Friday, 1 August 2014


“To be born an Englishman is to win first prize in God’s lottery.” Not Dr Johnson or Rudyard Kipling, but English businessman and politician Cecil Rhodes, who gave his name to racist, colonialist Rhodesia before that south African country turned itself around and became the beacon of democracy and economic success we know today as Zimbabwe.

Times change, of course, and although there is still a first prize for winning the divine lottery, it is not simply to be born an Englishman, certainly not just at the moment or any time soon. No, the winning ticket this week goes to those, like me, who were born an English baby-boomer. And it is still a prize to be cherished, as long as you value sheer entertainment. In the comically titled United Kingdom, the only way to deal with our current decline and eventual and inevitable ruin is to relax and have yourself a good time. As our young London waitresses say but don’t mean; Enjoy!

We British baby-boomers may have caused the coming collapse of the UK – perhaps we should be re-christened baby-busters - but that is not going to stop us pulling up a deck-chair, pouring ourselves a pint of warm bitter, digging into our cod and chips and watching the entertainment on offer. Like fictional Englishman Harry Flashman observing the doomed Light Brigade at Crimea in George MacDonald Fraser’s Flashman at the Charge, it might be quite something to watch my country rushing in exactly the wrong direction. So, if you’re sitting comfortably, on with the show!

Gasp while our political elite imports the world’s underclass in the name of tolerance and diversity! Marvel while eco-loons demand that you live in a pile of turf and eat rabbit-pellet-and-twig ragout before watering the family horse with hopper-fresh dew, just as they catch a ‘plane to the latest AGW-junket in Brazil! Roll up, roll up! See our Prime Minister on TV, the day after a soldier is beheaded (also on TV) on a London street by Koran-quoting Muslims, and then explain that the butchery was a betrayal of Islam!

Swoon in amazement at the Lawrence Report, produced after a black teenager was killed by genuine racists, and which states that any incident is now deemed to be racist if any one party to the incident believes it to be so! Applaud as Members of Parliament claim expenses from the tax-payers for moat-cleaning, second homes, duck-houses and porn movies! You won’t believe your eyes as crippled ex-servicemen beg you for change while imams and their wives receive state benefits!

You want political prisoners, folks? Right this way! Tommy Robinson, ex-leader of the anti-Islamist English Defence League (EDL). Tommy was spuriously imprisoned for 18 months for falsifying mortgage documents. On release, a condition was that he had no contact with EDL members, a caveat entirely unrelated to his crime. Paul Weston, erstwhile colleague of Mr Robinson, was arrested for quoting from The River War by national war hero turned pariah, Sir Winston Churchill.

From the greatest empire on earth to the greatest show on earth! From having an empire on which the sun never sets, the UK now has a PR sharpster for a Prime Minister, a certifiable lunatic next in line for the throne, and a state broadcaster who demonstrably despises the majority of the people who fund it, and who will imprison you if you don’t pay your licence fee.

Bravo! We export talented engineers to the Middle East to help those unable to extract the oil they are sitting on top of, and in return import crazed jihadis equally well trained in their area of expertise. More! Our police force has been re-named a police service, and its notorious failure to attend simple domestic burglaries has given rise to the joke that the quickest way to get the British police to come to your house is to tell them a homophobic racist has stolen your child pornography. Encore! British emergency services stand and watch while children drown because their health and safety authorisation does not allow them to enter the water.

You will be on the edge of your seats as British prisons are sociologically engineered to become micro-caliphates, taxation is diverted from innovative private sector revenue into a public sector slush fund for neo-Marxist local authorities, and the entertainment industry is encouraged to become an IQ-free pigsty of celebrities famous for being famous.

Laugh at the realisation that your grandmother would be better cared for in a British jail than a British care home, particularly if she converts to paganism. Snigger at your child’s history homework, as you help her write a letter to an imaginary African friend explaining that slavery was the fault of white people. Give a cheery wave as you walk to the graffiti-smeared train station to board an over-crowded, late train, all the while scrutinised by more CCTV cameras per capita than North Korea.

And games? We got ‘em! Try to get through those tricky ‘Shariah zones’ of east London if you’re a Jew, a gay, a drinker or even a woman! Guess which coloured recycling bin to put your tin cans in and on which day, then watch those crazy council guys fine you for getting the answer wrong, wrong, wrong! Take care now, as you choose what you can and can’t say on social media to avoid that early-morning knock at the door!

Then there is the sideshow of the European Union (EU), which the UK cannot leave even as its component economies crash and burn. Why, that old goombah EU has failed to have its accounts signed off for almost two decades! How we laughed! It falsified accounting to allow two of its member states – now economic basket cases – to join! Its unelected leaders read like a history of Communism! And our political gauleiters and their lickspittle media courtiers just can’t get enough! Now, that’s entertainment.

And don’t worry, folks. There’s more to come, and we’ll be right back with you after the break.


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